We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

The contributor’s six-year-old daughter was assigned to write a letter to Abraham Lincoln for President’s Day. This is what she wrote:

Dear Abe,
Please help. My sistr is torchreng me. She is puting a cande kis in my fas at the 2K run. Wut shud I do?
Love, Anne

(From the contributor: “I received this email on a listserve I am on. A guy was trying to get together a group to play cricket and there was some confusion on how the game was played.”)

Explanation of how to play Cricket

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes
in and the next man goes in until he’s out.

When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been
in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and
when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they
decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have
been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not
out, that is the end of the game!”

(From the contributor: “One of my best friends and I were emailing back and forth about how we feel much less intelligent since graduating from college when she sent me this email. I guess she does have a point.”)

“I feel my whole intelligence is just a fasade.”

(From the contributor: “I was in the Provo Food 4 Less in the mid 90’s when I noticed about 2 dozen crayon pictures proudly displayed on the wall. Apparently a grade school class had toured the store and wrote thank you notes. Each drawing had a picture of the child’s favorite part of the tour along with a brief note. Most of the pictures, including the one quoted, depicted the store’s walk in freezer. There were many creatively spelled words but only this phrase has remained with me since that day.”)

“Thack You! Thack You! I Licked it a Lot!”

(From the contributor: “I really don’t know what the hell this is. It was an e-mail sent to my wife, and I suppose it’s some sort of spam. There are some bad uses of English in here, but more than that, it’s just plain weird.”)

THE FAMILY VILLA,
KANO CITY,
NIGERIA.

ATTENTION (HELP MRS ABACHA SURVIVE)
DEAR SIR,
I am HAJIA (MRS.) MARIAM SANNI ABACHA wife of the Late Nigerian Head of
State,GEN. SANNI ABACHA. We have not met before, I called your Embassy
who
assured me of the stability of your country and her people as trust
whorthy to
engage in business, on which premise I write and I feel like I should
trust
you. Before I
proceed please accept my apology for the embarrassment this mail might
have
caused you,as it came from a total stranger who you do not
know.Actually,I came
across your address while looking for a reliable partner that i can
confide
in,in this transaction.please do not feel bad about it because I am
compelled
to reach you due to urgent need to Safe-Guard the money in
question.Once
again,forgive me and come to my aid.

It is no news telling you that my family has been
going through untold hardship since the 8th June 1998
when my husband died, my family has lost so much
including some fixed assets my husband acquired while
in power. Evidently, the pages of all Nigerian
Dailies, which you can equally get from Nigerian
Embassy in your country will tell better our story.
Even now, our homes are under surveillance; worst of
all, the Government has resorted to confiscating
everything that has to do with our family.

Before the death of my husband, General Sanni Abacha,
he ran among other business of his own a”BUREAU DE
CHANGE”,which was flourishing with every Government
support. From the Bureau De Change Business which has
now been clamped down on by Nigerian Government, I was
able to save US$34 Million in cash. I tried to
safeguard it in a security company here in Nigeria but couldn’t.
Through the
help of a close family friend who works in the Security Company,I
diverted the
US$34 Million and moved it out of Nigeria under the label of
photographic
material to a Security Company in a neigbouring country that has
branches in
Asia, Africa and Europe. For security
reasons, I wouldn’t mention the name ofthe country
until I hear from you.In view of our condition here
and the high interest rate the security company
charges, the money could not be safe there. I would
therefore need your honest assistance to clear this
fund from the Security Company and safeguard it for me in your country.

Should you help me in this regard, you will have 25%
of the money for yourself and guide me further to
invest the remaining 70% in any viable business
venture. while 5% is earmarked to cover expenses
contingencies. Please if you ever find it in your
heart to help me, contact my lawyer, Dr(Barr.)IBRAHIM BELLO for further
discussions on his email:ibrahimbellolawyer@yahoo.com.Your telephone
and fax
numbers will also be needed to enable my lawyer get
back to you with the lodging code and clearance permit from the
Security
Company.

As soon as you send this information through my
lawyer,I will go ahead and instruct the Security
Company to arrange for you to pick up the consignment.

Note that this transaction involves no risks
whatsoever, as you will have no dealing with my
country,Nigeria. Rather you will deal directly with
the Security Company, While thanking you for your
anticipated understanding and cooperation, I look forward to your
urgent
response.

Best regards,

MRS. MARYAM ABACHA

From a chopstick package found in a Chinese Restaurant in Kenosha, Wisconsin:

“Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks
the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual.”

(From the contributor: “While in an Asian-owned dollar store in Spain, I found a pencil bag featuring what I thought were Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. Upon closer inspection, I read the following. Who Red Bud is, I can’t be sure, but I had a good laugh.”)

OKAY RED BUD:

You and I have to love Red Bud hand,s bag

The contributor saw these while on vacation in Japan a couple years ago:

Sign in a hotel bathroom:

“Please close a door or take bath. It’s time to close a door or we will ring sound fire alarm.”

On a disposable toothbrush:

“Good material for your fitness life.”

On a door in a train station:

“Excellent Room.”

On a building next to a hotel in Kyoto:

“Luminous Nose.”

This was a review of Easy Message Express found on download.com. Normally, if you had two more periods than lower-case letters, you would be accused of over-using the period. Not so here:

IT IS A GOOD CHAT PLACE BUT NOT BETTER THAN MSN MESSENGER I LIKE TO CHAT HERE BUT YOU CANT PUT FACES AND STUFF YOU CAN DO ON MSN MESSENGER YOU CANT ADD YOUR OWN PEOPLE ONTHIS SO I DONT REALLY LIKE IT THAT MUNCH AND ON MSN MESSENGER YOU CAN ADD YOUR SAY BEST FRIENDS ON IT IN THIS YOU TALK TO WHO IS ON AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THEM AT ALL THEY CAN BRTEND THAT THEY ARE YOUR BESTFRIEND AND WONT KNOW IF IT IS TRUE THEY CAN COME AND TRAPE YOU OR STOCK YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU LIKE ON THE NEWS A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL GOT KILLED BY GIVEING THE GUY HER PHONE NUMBER AND ADRESSEAND HER FULL NAME AND THAN THEY SAY THAT THEY MUST OF GOT HER DRUNK AND THAN RAPE HER SO ONE THING MEVER GIVE PEOPLE YOUR NAME,ADRESSE,PHONE NUMBER ON LESS YOU REALLY KNOW THEM. AND WHO EVER READS THIS I HOPE YOU LISTEN TO ME WHAT I SAID IN CLEAR WORDS.:)

(From the contributor: “I teach third grade ESL (English as a Second Language) and my class is an inexhaustible source of unusual quotes, strange statements and all the rest. Here are a few:”)

For an activity where the students were supposed to practice writing sentences using the past tense of “to be,” one of my third-graders wrote about a red pony:

“The red pony was on fire. The fire trucks were coming.”

During sharing time one of my students wanted to discuss the fighting techniques he used in his favorite Playstation game (Mortal Kombat, I think):

“…And this one guy, he was shooting his asses out of his mouth. He was shooting his asses at the other guy and it was burning him.”

I eventually determined that “asses” referred to acids that I assume the players shoot at each other.