We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

The contributor’s fifth-grader daughter was given vocabulary words and asked to write sentences using them. Here are three of them, the underlined words being the ones she was asked to build sentences around:

1. The baby doll was mauled.
2. The man owned an iota of land.
3. I think it’s time I had a little fickle.

The contributor’s company received a shipment of output cables that, due to being “keyed,” had compatibility issues with some older units. He wrote to the factory and asked why they changed their system to one that apparently doesn’t work a lot of the time. He received this response:

Dear Adam,

Thanks for your mail.

We need to make this output keyed, for some end user will put cable in wrong slut.

Also if it happened that the cable just fitting in but there will be no funcation by this connection then it will caused some time to explain.

Pleas feel confort about this.

Best Regards,
[name]

Found at the Internet Movie Database, this is an Internet Movie Database user’s summary of “The Executioner’s Song.” Note that it is all one sentence:

“Based on the true story of murderer Gary Mark Gilmore, spanning the last nine months of his life (May 1976-January 1977) in which at age 35, after being released for serving a long prison term in Utah for armed robbery, the unstable Gilmore murdered two men in two seperate and senseless robberies in which after a brief public trial in October, he was sentenced to death by firing squad which drew a lot of media attention when Gilmore insisted that his execution be carried out and he became the first man to be executed in the USA since the government reinstated the death penalty in 1976.”

Found in a book called “View from Above,” by Brian Stewart. It was put on everyone’s windshields in an Arizona State University parking lot one day. The book is religious/historical fiction written from God’s point of view. Here, God describes heaven:

It has walls over a thousand miles high being made of elements your most brilliant teams of scientists would be unable to recreating. I have given it substance, yet slowed down the atomic speeds, so all of the components can be seen through and passed through with the power of thought. The gates are fashioned of huge round pearls and are set in walls that contain every color of the prism. For mortal eyes it is quite overwhelming. Even Las Vegas with all its lights is but an ember when compared to the beauty of Heaven, even when glimpsed from afar. I set within its walls a crystal stream containing the most basic building blocks of My universe - hydrogen and oxygen, that is shaded by fully grown trees bearing every fruit you have enjoyed on earth plus species which only exist here. I planted them, not for their nourishment, but for their beautiful aromas. They are continually in bloom - one species after another - giving Heaven a fragrance that is intoxicatingly delightful.

Original found at Chubby Checker’s official Web site, which appears to be defunct:

This is my message to the Nobel Prize nominators and the nominators of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Should you choose me I’ll consider it honorable. However, I have conditions for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

To Place the “Twist” symbol that’s on Chubby Checker’s Beef Jerky, this statue on top of a thirty foot or so pedestal in the courtyard of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I would like to be alone thank you. I changed the business. I am often call the wheel that Rock rolls on as long as people are dancing apart to the beat of the music they enjoy. Before “Alexander Graham Bell” Š no Telephone. Before “Thomas Edison” Š no Electric light. Before “Dr. George Washington Carver” Š no Oil from seed or cloning of plants. Before “Henry Ford” Š no V-8 Engine. Before “Walt Disney” Š no Animated cartoons. Before Chubby Checker Š no “Dancing Apart to the Beat.” What is “Dancing Apart to the Beat?” Dancing Apart to the Beat is the dance that we do when we dance apart to the beat of anybody’s music and before “Chubby Checker” it could not be found!

Elvis Presley is the King of Rock & Roll, no doubt, and we love him. However, Rock & Roll was already here. He just became the King of it. The Beatles, who we all love so dearly, their likeness was done by the Beach Boys, Buddy Holly and the Crickets. But it’s evident that they did it much, much better. Hank Ballard wrote and recorded the “Twist”. The inner city kids made a dance to that song. The record died on the radio. Radio stopped playing the record. The “Twist” was dead. No one was going to hear the record and no one was ever going to see the dance. We re-recorded the record and campaigned the song and the dance at DJ record dance parties in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Radio stations started to play the “Twist” by Chubby Checker. We finally made it to American Bandstand and showed the world what it was. Chubby Checker changed everything. He gave movement to a music that never had this movement before. The styles changed. The nightclub scene is forever changed. Chubby Checker gave birth to aerobics.

He game to music a movement that could not be found unless you were trained at some studio learning something other than dancing apart to the beat. It’s easy. It’s fun. The “Twist” the only song, since time began, to become number one twice by the same artist. Oh yes, we’re talking about the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. But lets face the truth. This is Nobel Prize Territory.

The “Twist” is very recognizable when you dance apart to the beat. But “The Pony”, two on one side and two on the other side, the dance that I introduced in 1961 is the biggest dance of the century. They do it to everything, in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and now 2000’s. And what about my “Fly”? To explain it better, throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don’t care. If you “Fly” you automatically do the “Shake”. From 1959 to this moment it’s either the “Twist”, the “Pony”, the “Fly”, the “Shake” or some other nasty stuff in between.

Please I urge you not to look upon my comments as self-centered, proud love thy self. This is not what this is about. Since I have such a unique situation in the music business, I feel only I can explain it. If the music industry knew or understood this reoccurring phenomenon, that’s renewed every time the beat begins, they would have explained it through the decades. Yes, “Dancing Apart to the Beat” is Chubby Checker. Everybody is doing it everyday, every month, every year, since its discovery in 1959. Chubby Checker’s given the music business something great. Now he wants his greatness returned.

I want my flowers while I’m alive. I can’t smell them when I’m dead. The people that come to see the show have given me everything. However I will not have the music business ignorant of my position in the industry. Dick Clark said, and I quote, “The three most important things that ever happened in the music industry are Elvis Presley, the Beatles and Chubby Checker”. Now I ask you. Where is my more money and my more fame? God bless and have mercy. You know I Love You.

Yours truly,

Chubby Checker

From a memo sent to all tenants of a particular business park. The note thanked everyone for their cooperation with the recent ribbon-cutting ceremony, and in dealing with the amount of parking space the event required. The last line was this:

“We apologize for any incontinence this may have caused you.”

According to the contributor, this was posted on a newsgroup in the early days of the Internet, on the subject of group homes for special-needs individuals:

By Jeff Bodah

flowers for Algernon pout down the mentely retarded by always calling Charlie stupid . I think that it was not right for them to take him out to a bar and get him drunk.Because afterwards they made a lot of fun of him.But he is so stupid that he did not even realize it. I don’t like the mentely retard be cause they make me sick to my stomach.

When I am trying to eat I see a retard I have to throw away my food before I get sick.It ant gut nothing to do with being stupid. I gust have a week stomach when they are around.It ant like doctor Newmer how acted like he did not exsist to after the operation. I now that they exists and there is nothing wrong with that I don’t mind them I just cant look at the mentely retarded for to long or I get sick.

The mentely ill has a lot of problumes because they have no frends.The sad part of it is that they did nothing rong.they were gust born way .Some were in accidents or droped on there heads . Some are retarted because ther parents were alcoholics wile thay were pregnent.Or because of drug problums there parents might of had and could not quit for those nine monthes.

My opinion is that if some one gets pregnent and drinks or drugs for those nine months that thay are not fit to be a parent. and that there kid should be taken right after birth.Because if the mother is not gona stop drinking or druging for that nine monthes then she ant gona stop at all.and that kid is never gona have a healthy life.parents who drink and drug while thay are pregnent should go to jail if test sho that thay were driking or druging during the nine monthes.

The mentaly retarded must have a hard life because thay alwes need some one there to take care of them.And if thay dont have some one there to watch them at all times then thay would have to go to a state school.like waren state school were thay could be wathed during the day . Mentaly retarded people must have no time to there selfs because thay all wese need some one to watch over them.

Editor’s note: This message appeared while operating a computer program. I have unfortunately lost the e-mail that told me who contributed this, and which program they were running, but I do recall that the software is quite commonly used in some particular area of expertise — i.e., it’s not just some rinky-dink program that some guy made up; it’s one a lot of people use.

“Fascinating Womanhood” is a bestseller by Helen Andelin. It tells women how to get men and therefore become worthwhile:

(From the chapter “Feminine Manner”:)

Bewitching Langour
“Langour is a calm, quiet, air similar to a cat relaxing before a fireplace. It’s a touch of velvet. The opposite of langour is nervous and high-strung behavior, such as biting fingernails, jingling keys, twisting a handkerchief, or fingering the hair. To be feminine, work to over come these habits.”

Facial Expressions
“Avoid frowns, hardness in the eyes, tight lips, and a drooping mouth. Feminine expressions are gentle, tender, sweet, with a soft look in the eyes.”

Feminine Conversation
“Take care that all your conversation is feminine. First, don’t talk too much. Almost all women talk too much. Make sure your conversation is not centered on yourself. Don’t dominate the conversation or share too many opinions.”

Refinement
“One of the marks of a feminine woman is refinement, which implies good social breeding. Never interrupt someone, use vulgar language, profane, swear, or tell vulgar jokes. Never pick your nose, scratch yourself, or blow your nose in public. (Wiping your nose is OK.) Never rub your husband’s back in public, stroke his hair, or fondle him. Such actions are very unrefined.”

“Fascinating Womanhood” is a bestseller by Helen Andelin. It tells women how to get men and therefore become worthwhile:

(From the chapter “Feminine Manner”:)

The Hands
“Avoid stiff, brusque movements. Don’t wave your hands in the air or use them firmly in expressing yourself. Never pound on the table to put over a point. Never shake a man’s hands with strength and vigor.”

The Walk
“Avoid a happy gait or long strides, such as the way men walk. Don’t copy the fashion model walk. It is arrogant and unfeminine. Walk in a light, graceful manner with legs somewhat straight. Imagine you weigh 95 pounds. Have someone tape a video of you walking. It will give you a visual view of how you need to improve.”

The Voice
“Don’t talk too loud. And don’t let your voice suggest mannish efficiency or coarse boldness. To improve your voice, practice speaking old fairy tales. Raise or lower your voice for expression. In the humorous parts put laughter in your voice; in sad parts put sorrow. A half hour of practicing a week should be effective, if kept up for three or four weeks.”

The Laugh
“Avoid any tendency to the masculine laugh such as a deep or loud tone. Don’t open your mouth wide, throw your head back, slap your hands on your thighs, roar, cackle, snort, or anything coarse or vulgar. If these extremes are avoided, the laugh will be at least acceptable.”

Cooing and Purring
“When a feminine woman feels close to the man she adores, she sometimes coos and purrs. This is called baby talk. It can be fascinating to men, even when bestowed on an infant.”