We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

The contributor overheard the following snippet of conversation between two girls as he walked through the library:

“… so i volunteered as a baby mouse dresser. basically, i dressed the baby mice up, and…”

You just have to see it. Funny on several levels:

http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/8224/guestbook.html

Said by a Chinese-American insurance agent:

“When the client already die, it is impotent to get a colonel’s report to find out what is the cause of dhat.”

(From the contributor: “Apparently this 4th grade teacher likes to assign stories told from odd points of view. Of course, for Thanksgiving, it is a turkey. A whole bunch of these can be found here: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/8076/if_turkey.html. Spot the vocab words! Many with fun usages.”)

“My name is Lurkey the Turkish turkey. I am very unhappy because Thanksgiving is dangerously close and I will be eaten soon. My brothers and sisters have already been plucked and have been taken to the market. I have a bad feeling that they were just the appetizers.
   I also feel that I’ve been tricked. I thought I was going to the feast, not being the feast! I’m trying to diet, but I can’t help gorging myself with the delectable corn. The farmers say I’m a gorgeous and picturesque turkey. I know what they are conversing about. There is no way to avoid this brutal holiday. Don’t mourn and grieve for me. I’m good as dead.”

Statements made by the contributor’s professor during a material’s science class at BYU:

–(About the atomic bomb) “If it doesn’t work, are you happy or sad?” Never could figure that one out.

–”Saliva is a more refined spit word.”

–”I’m approaching spherical because I want to optimize my geometric.”

–”It’s just delightful to sit up in the mountains and watch the deer and weld.”

–(About putting his hand in the toilet) “That’s not the worst place my arm has been. I owned cows.”

–(About the dedication page in the textbook) “I don’t care if he loved his mother.”

–(About scouting) “If you don’t understand foil dinners, you won’t make it.”

–”This is a trick. This is nothing more than a trick.”

–”You have to know what they know and they don’t know a thing.”

(From the contributor: “I just wanted a little help calculating activity points for weight loss, and I got a good laugh in the process.”)

http://members.tripod.com/jugchiller4/jugheadactivities.html

A letter written by the contributor to himself when he was in eighth grade. He received it when he graduated high school:

Planing for the Future

By the time I am a senior I want to have muscles on me. I am almost completely skinny right now. Today I am almost 6′ and I weigh 133 pounds. Most people don’t know but I have a gut and big tits (not as big as John Clark’s though). This year I have only made one “c” on my report card, a 76. However,this nine-weeks I might make a couple more. The only personal goal I have right now is buffing up. My educational goals are to get a good GPA in High School and then go to Texas Tech, UCLA, or just a regular college that is close to home, like Sam Houston. I really have no idea of what I want to become as I mature. I think that making video games would be a fun thing to do. I might be an actor or a writer, but I’m not sure. My best friends are Danny Harmatuk, and Tate Phillips. I suppose you think I’m going to say Matt Sweitzer huh? Well guess again!! Matt is a queer! I’m talking literally a stupid queer. My mom is mean to me with a passion. I don’t think she’ll recognize my little sisters as more than l all I wouldn’t want to waste my time. Besides I’m graduating soon.

(From the contributor: “Apparently it was started by some overzealous (or overly bored) students at Rice University in 1995 during finals week. On the site you will find photos and lab reports of their scientific experiments (all of which involve the Twinkie as the experimental medium of choice) as well as a series of haikus documenting the experience.”)

www.twinkiesproject.com

Overheard on the campus of the University of Texas:

–”Did I tell you about that guy? He was smoking weed out of an apple.”

–”It’s like Chinese brain-torture or something.”

–”Your hair is a hat that you wear all the time.”

–Girl talking on cell phone: “I’m bored out of my cotton-pickin’ mind.”

–Metaphysics professor: “Hyphens are going out with the horse and buggy.”

–”Do y’all still have bears there? Do you still keep them in a big ol’ pit?”

–A guy asks his unresponsive companion these questions as if checking off a list: “Do you have any purple socks? Hairnet? Class ring?”

–An exasperated girl talking on cell phone: “I was about to go Freddy” (said as if “Freddy” is an adjective).

The following conversation is real; it took place on March 4th, 2003, between a telephone research interviewer and a brainless respondent:

Respondent: “Hello.”

Interviewer: “Hi. My name is Matthew and I’m calling from Lighthouse Research. We are talking to Nevada residents regarding employment issues; do you mind if I ask your opinions?”

Respondent: “Hold on, who are you talking to?”

Interviewer: “Nevada residents.”

Respondent: “Nevada residents?”

Interviewer: “Yeah, people who live in Nevada.”

Respondent: “YOU MORON! I don’t live in Nevada! I live in LAS VEGAS!”