We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

The following is a letter written by a student to his principal, complaining about his language arts teacher:

Dear [Principal's name]:

I would like to infrom you. that Miss [Lastname] have no repect for us. Today in class he called the hole class ignorent. i am not ignorent and she make me feel like a peice of crap. I cannot learn in this class and she hurts my feels and makes me mad.

Sincerly,
[Student's name]

A sign on a Hardee’s restaurant in Chapmanville, West Virginia:

A girl who worked with the contributor came up with the following three doozies:

Well, she’s only older than me because she was born before I was.

It’s my parents’ anniversary this year.

Referring to the impending bruising after being accidentally punched:

I’m going to be black and white tomorrow.

The following was taken from an email written by a citizen who was concerned about his local school district:

The school has two responsibility’s to the citizens and that is to educate and be friskily responsible with the money.

From the contributor: In Westwood, CA, there’s a homeless man who sits on a Kikoman Soy Sauce bucket dressed in his overalls each day and babbles his thoughts for all to hear by the local Coffee Bean. As I passed him and trotted across the intersection today, I heard Hobo McPoet scream at the top of his lungs:

If money ain’t everything, why is the bathroom on the inside of the house?

Truer words have never been spoken.

At a business lunch, the contributor and several of her co-workers were discussing the four-month-old baby that another colleague was about to adopt from China. One of the women, apparently concerned about the practical ramifications of adopting a foreign child, asked:

Will they be able to communicate with it?

The box for a vegetable chopper:

The following is the thirteenth installment in an ongoing list kept by the contributor and his roommates and friends:

181. I Can’t Go Anywhere But Up, But I Sure Can Go Down A Lot Farther
182. That’s A Figurative Literal
183. Somebody Put ‘Contradiction’ In The ‘Romance’ Bottle
184. Continents Are Like Snowflakes (No Two Are The Same)
185. I Had Some Gizzard The Other Day — It Reminded Me Of You
186. Sometimes When I’m Driving I Scratch Myself Like A Velociraptor
187. Do Fetuses Have Endeavors?
188. Is That The Escalator That I Threw A Fit On Once?
189. There’s The Parking Lot Where We Met Juan Pablo And The Gypsy Woman
190. If You’re Big Before You’re Old, It’s Good To Have Something To Crap In
191. It’s Hard To Eat Melting Ice Cream At An Angle
192. Staying In One Place For A Long Time Makes Anything Happen
193. Skanky People Look Skankier In Utah
194. Everything Tastes Better Through A Chain Link Fence
195. Artie Will Only Have My Latkes With Ketchup

From an online diary found at www.my-diary.org. Needless to say, everything is preserved here in its original form:

i can remember amazingly the
words that people say when they intrege me(mostly due to the fact that i’m a writter).

A conversation between the contributor and her fifth-grade daughter:

Daughter: Tad’s house is a dish-level home.
Mother: What’s a “dish-level home”?
D: It’s a small house.
M: Did you mean “hovel”?
D: No, dish-level. I looked it up.
[Pause while Mother thinks about what Daughter could possibly mean.]
M: Oh, did you mean disheveled? That’s a messy house.
D: No, it means small house.
[Conversation ends and is almost forgotten, until a couple days later, when Daughter says this:]
D: Mom, I figured out what the word was that I was trying to remember in the car. It was “bungalow.”