We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

The contributor was sitting in a local diner, one booth away from three large men in hunting gear. She overheard the following conversation between the hunters:

Hunter 1: Know what’s taking Europe by storm nowadays?
Hunter 2: What?
Hunter 1: Post-modernism.

From a sports chatroom on December 10, 2004:

Weightlifting regimes are In my not so humble opinion worthless Think about it like this. How many football plays could use only their arms to climb up a giant oak tree 20 meters high? You may laugh, but I know a 65 year old Swedish guy who can climb a tree just like an oranutang, and he would rip most of us in half.

The contributor’s son made a Father’s Day card for his dad, extolling the virtues of a father who enjoys tossing him into the air in the swimming pool. It read:

My dad is The best dad because he throws me up.

The contributor’s friends, after enjoying a few illegal pharmaceuticals, had the following two conversations:

Robert: Imagine if God had, like, a God exterior and a candy interior. What flavor do you reckon he’d be?
Thom: I reckon nougat.

Thom: So much has been taking on wolf-like characteristics.
Hillary: Really?
Thom: That’s the only way I can describe it.
Hillary: To me everything’s just soft.
Thom: And wolf-like.

From the package of a “Cold Cathode Fluorescent Lamp,” used to give computer cases a neon glow:

Function

To gether with a see-through glass side panel, this lamp can be installed inside computer shassis, and the beam provides visual and multimedia effects for users and gamers who are after the performance of their PCs.

This lamp can be fixed and installed in any free space inside the computer chassis.It also requires one free connector from your PC power supply.

The flash frequency can be adjusted by a sensor that can be attached to any sound/voice output device such as speakers.

According to your favourite,a label in the front of the package recognizes the colour-sky blue,light green,ivory white,cherry red or purple.

Caution

1.Preventing the Flourescent tube from damage. Please Avoid being bent or twisted.

2. Avoiding the wire being broken, do not pull and drag it.

3. Do not disassemble it arbitrarily without any professionals.

The contributor’s roommate was a T.A. for a college history class. The following is a list of amusing statements found in students’ research papers:

From a paper on the abolition of slavery:

What would free black people do with freedom?

From an art history paper:

We know he is a barbarian because he is wearing pants.

And finally, from a paper on Hitler:

He had only one testicle. I guess that would be bad, but I’m not sure I’d
kill 12 million people over it.

The following recipes are included with the instructions for the — and this is the REAL name of this thing — “Great For All Your Mixer” that the contributor’s mother bought from an infomercial:

ICE TEA TIME EXTRAVAGANZA
With the same procedure done with the Thai Ice Tea, with the exception of milk. You can easily prepare and concock whatever your carvings may strikingly be.

BANANA CAROB MILKSHAKE
Ingredients same as Banana Milkshake. Just add in a teaspoon of carob powder and it brings you your chocolatie flavor all over. Yum, yum and away … the delight will be there to stay!

PIMENTO CREAM CHEESE
Mix and Blend all ingredients until they are all evenly combined. And Presto, your pimento spread will be yummily ready anytime your desire strikes. PS Remember, use brown bread as often as possible. As the say: The whiter the bread the sooner your dead.

EASY PINEAPPLE JAM
Will work with other fruits. Choose your heart’s desire and simply enjo a jammy and spready adventure! Extend our warm regards.

The contributor was in a Sunday school class with the topic of how to treat your children, and the father of some rather odd children said this:

You know, if my kid wants a can of Vienna sausages, I’ll get it for him. I mean, its only like 50 cents.

The marquee outside a bar in Rexburg, Idaho:

This is just a small snippet of a terrible script found at Simply Scripts: http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/12feetdeep.html

(Sequence opens with a submarine in the deep waters of the Gulf of
Mexico. It is very dark, the submarine is barely visible and all that
can be clearly seen is the lights. The Narrator introduces the scene
with a dark voice over)

Narrator: For hundreds of year’s people thought creatures like the loch
ness monster were a hoax, guess what, they were wrong. Everybody likes
to think that they can believe what they see, but when they see what
they believe, it will be the last thing they will ever see.