We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

The following is a letter written by a student to his principal, complaining about his language arts teacher:

Dear [Principal’s name]:

I would like to infrom you. that Miss [Lastname] have no repect for us. Today in class he called the hole class ignorent. i am not ignorent and she make me feel like a peice of crap. I cannot learn in this class and she hurts my feels and makes me mad.

Sincerly,
[Student’s name]

The following was taken from an email written by a citizen who was concerned about his local school district:

The school has two responsibility’s to the citizens and that is to educate and be friskily responsible with the money.

From an online diary found at www.my-diary.org. Needless to say, everything is preserved here in its original form:

i can remember amazingly the
words that people say when they intrege me(mostly due to the fact that i’m a writter).

Conclusion of a message posted to a theater-related email group. The writer was seeking a few specific broadway recordings:

Please email me if you can help at all, or noof any sits where i might be able to ask

The contributor received this spam email:

Time Travelers PLEASE HELP!!! 25480

Hello,
If you are a time traveler or alien and or in possession of government or alien technology I need your help! My entire life and health has been messed with by evil beings! If you have access to the carbon copy replica model #50 3000 series, the dimensional warp, temporal reversion or something similar please reply! I simply need the safest method of transferring my consciousness or returning to my younger self with my current mind/memory. I need an advanced time traveler to work with who can help me, I would prefer someone with access to teleportation as well as a variety different types of time travel. This is not a joke! I am serious! Please send a separate email to me at: Dragonball03@aol.com if you can help! Thanks

(From the contributor: “Some Far-East porn pusher keeps sending me mail with the subject line:”)

“30 days free of Asian whores”

“Oh, to be free of Asian whores for 30 days…”

The following is an email that was received as a submission to this site. The guy’s submission is decent, but the way he wrote it was pure gold. It makes you wonder if he knows this site is here to make fun of people like him:

on a commersial i saw about std’s on nickelodian (a kids channel) there was this statue of a guy naked and the narrator said” before your penis falls of get checked”, and the guys penis fell off and bounced off screen.

A letter written by the contributor to himself when he was in eighth grade. He received it when he graduated high school:

Planing for the Future

By the time I am a senior I want to have muscles on me. I am almost completely skinny right now. Today I am almost 6′ and I weigh 133 pounds. Most people don’t know but I have a gut and big tits (not as big as John Clark’s though). This year I have only made one “c” on my report card, a 76. However,this nine-weeks I might make a couple more. The only personal goal I have right now is buffing up. My educational goals are to get a good GPA in High School and then go to Texas Tech, UCLA, or just a regular college that is close to home, like Sam Houston. I really have no idea of what I want to become as I mature. I think that making video games would be a fun thing to do. I might be an actor or a writer, but I’m not sure. My best friends are Danny Harmatuk, and Tate Phillips. I suppose you think I’m going to say Matt Sweitzer huh? Well guess again!! Matt is a queer! I’m talking literally a stupid queer. My mom is mean to me with a passion. I don’t think she’ll recognize my little sisters as more than l all I wouldn’t want to waste my time. Besides I’m graduating soon.

The contributor runs a pop culture website with some friends. The following are some emails she has received through the site:

This person thinks of David Hasselhoff in a very unique way:

“David Hasselhoff is the “King David”,because he cans strike down Goliath,I have seed it in Knight Rider.He’s the only,who cans strike down Goliath.”

***

This person has some lofty goals, but apparently no punctuation keys on his keyboard:

“we are a group who are trying to prosper in life by our music and we believe that this may be a way to get a start on it now we sing r&b,gospel,or some patriotic songs that are mostly revised or written by our group but are willing to go a step farther in imitating some to be seen we are a three part harmony group that sing from our soul the feelings that we have and have actually had people say that we sound better than boys two men who we always listen to we could use a chance if you can give the oppurtunity we would so much appreciate it our group G3 God bless”

***

While this one was flattering, I think the girl thought she was writing to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (we have a few articles about them):

“hi my name is krystal i am 11 years old.I love animals and boys.You are so cool i wish i can see you in real person.PLease write back soon”

***

We have nothing on our site about Regis Philbin or Kelly Ripa, so I think this woman just felt like sharing:

“I recently met ms kelly ripa from regis and kelly and i’d like to say that she is a wonderful and her career is going to blossom. Not because of her resume but because shes a nice person she very charismatic. anyway i used to work across the street from where she lives so i use to see her often and you wouldnt believe how nice she was to me the first time i was star struck and surprised to be in her presence even her husband is quite the gentlemen.”

Email received by the contributor, apparently in response to something he wrote on his website. No one is sure exactly WHAT it is a response to:

“my question is from a novel doomsday book by connie willis the phrase goes ” May I remind you Mr Dunworthy he said coldly that this is brasenose’s drop (Time Travel) not balliols of course I apprectiate you lending us your tech and I respect your many years of experience as an historian but I assure you we have everything at hand. the guy who is being spoken to is butting into the others business I am wondering if the guy says I appreciate and I respect not because he really means it but because it’s a way of making the other guy not feel as angry and hopefully will leave him alone thank you for your help”