We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

Written by the contributor’s brother who, the contributor assures us, “is not retarded.” The school assignment was to write a letter to President Andrew Johnson advising him on how to handle the reconstruction of the South after the Civil War:

Dear Mr. Johnson,
Some good things happened during the reconstruction of the south like changing
The southern government. I also remember the time that you helped change the laws like the thirteenth amendment, fourteenth amendment, and the fifteenth amendment. Now African American’s have more control in government.
However, there were an equal number of bad decisions such as letting the K.K.K, made of plantation owners and confederate solders, kill and letting them put burning crosses in there yards. Don’t you forget the some plantation owners rent their land to slaves, and letting the owners rent out equipment for only the profit of the plantation owners. The freeman only worked for food.
If I were leading the United States of America I would try to take the K.K.K.
Out of the picture. I would send solders to find the K.K.K. members and arrest them. If they refused I would shoot them in the legs. I would also give the slaves a little money to start off on.
Thank you,
Brad Sanders

(From the contributor: “Teaching school (especially junior high) provides so many opportunities to laugh. Here are two emails I received from a parent. I have left the spelling and punctuation intact but have removed names to keep my job.”)

HELLO
DID YOU EVER GET MARK TO COME BACK DOWN TO TALK TO YOU
MRS B IS THAT WHO WOULDNT LET MARK MAKE UP HIS WORK
I THINK SHE HAS SOMETHING AGAINST MARK SOME DAY S YA MARK IS HARD TO
WORK
WITH WHEN HE DONT WANT TO DO IT BUT US AS PARENTS NEED TO KNOW THIS
ALSO
THANKS AND IF YOU HAVE ANY PROUBLEMS WITH HIM PLEASE LET ME KNOW
THANKS FOR HELPING ME

thanks for all you do i just dont know how i can help why hes at school all but stay in touch with the teachers and some dont wrtie back but keep a tight grip on him and if i can do any thing please let me know i talk and talk and talk some times it dont click

The contributor spent a summer teaching English in Ghana, where English is the official language but most children grow up speaking local dialects. As a result, their English can be interesting at times. The following is an email the contributor received from one of the men she worked with there; she takes credit for his use of the word “sucks.”

Hello Anne,
   I pursue within me that the pertinent you will ask is why it has taken me donkey years to mail. Does it suck?.
It is a long story which will be explained later on if necessary in my subsequed mail.
  Infact, you departure has really created a big vacuum in my personal life and the school as a whole
.It sucks but there is nothing we can do to bring you back .
I don’t talk a lot because of your absence. I’ve really missed you.

The contributor’s six-year-old daughter was assigned to write a letter to Abraham Lincoln for President’s Day. This is what she wrote:

Dear Abe,
Please help. My sistr is torchreng me. She is puting a cande kis in my fas at the 2K run. Wut shud I do?
Love, Anne

(From the contributor: “I received this email on a listserve I am on. A guy was trying to get together a group to play cricket and there was some confusion on how the game was played.”)

Explanation of how to play Cricket

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes
in and the next man goes in until he’s out.

When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been
in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and
when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they
decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have
been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not
out, that is the end of the game!”

(From the contributor: “One of my best friends and I were emailing back and forth about how we feel much less intelligent since graduating from college when she sent me this email. I guess she does have a point.”)

“I feel my whole intelligence is just a fasade.”

(From the contributor: “I really don’t know what the hell this is. It was an e-mail sent to my wife, and I suppose it’s some sort of spam. There are some bad uses of English in here, but more than that, it’s just plain weird.”)

THE FAMILY VILLA,
KANO CITY,
NIGERIA.

ATTENTION (HELP MRS ABACHA SURVIVE)
DEAR SIR,
I am HAJIA (MRS.) MARIAM SANNI ABACHA wife of the Late Nigerian Head of
State,GEN. SANNI ABACHA. We have not met before, I called your Embassy
who
assured me of the stability of your country and her people as trust
whorthy to
engage in business, on which premise I write and I feel like I should
trust
you. Before I
proceed please accept my apology for the embarrassment this mail might
have
caused you,as it came from a total stranger who you do not
know.Actually,I came
across your address while looking for a reliable partner that i can
confide
in,in this transaction.please do not feel bad about it because I am
compelled
to reach you due to urgent need to Safe-Guard the money in
question.Once
again,forgive me and come to my aid.

It is no news telling you that my family has been
going through untold hardship since the 8th June 1998
when my husband died, my family has lost so much
including some fixed assets my husband acquired while
in power. Evidently, the pages of all Nigerian
Dailies, which you can equally get from Nigerian
Embassy in your country will tell better our story.
Even now, our homes are under surveillance; worst of
all, the Government has resorted to confiscating
everything that has to do with our family.

Before the death of my husband, General Sanni Abacha,
he ran among other business of his own a”BUREAU DE
CHANGE”,which was flourishing with every Government
support. From the Bureau De Change Business which has
now been clamped down on by Nigerian Government, I was
able to save US$34 Million in cash. I tried to
safeguard it in a security company here in Nigeria but couldn’t.
Through the
help of a close family friend who works in the Security Company,I
diverted the
US$34 Million and moved it out of Nigeria under the label of
photographic
material to a Security Company in a neigbouring country that has
branches in
Asia, Africa and Europe. For security
reasons, I wouldn’t mention the name ofthe country
until I hear from you.In view of our condition here
and the high interest rate the security company
charges, the money could not be safe there. I would
therefore need your honest assistance to clear this
fund from the Security Company and safeguard it for me in your country.

Should you help me in this regard, you will have 25%
of the money for yourself and guide me further to
invest the remaining 70% in any viable business
venture. while 5% is earmarked to cover expenses
contingencies. Please if you ever find it in your
heart to help me, contact my lawyer, Dr(Barr.)IBRAHIM BELLO for further
discussions on his email:ibrahimbellolawyer@yahoo.com.Your telephone
and fax
numbers will also be needed to enable my lawyer get
back to you with the lodging code and clearance permit from the
Security
Company.

As soon as you send this information through my
lawyer,I will go ahead and instruct the Security
Company to arrange for you to pick up the consignment.

Note that this transaction involves no risks
whatsoever, as you will have no dealing with my
country,Nigeria. Rather you will deal directly with
the Security Company, While thanking you for your
anticipated understanding and cooperation, I look forward to your
urgent
response.

Best regards,

MRS. MARYAM ABACHA

This e-mail was sent to the contributor in response to his review of a Keanu Reeves movie. Note the logic employed by the writer: If someone reviews a movie, he must be on a first-name basis with the movie’s cast:

Dear person,

This is Keanu’s number 1 fan, if u could tell him, and tell him to write to me as soon as possible I would be the happiest girl in the universe. I am so serious right now, i’ve seen just about all of his movies and I have pics of him all around my room, please tell him to write at this e-mail address. Thank you so very much!

Christina

Received by e-mail:

?
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Guilin Lingui Shengping Xiaoxue Bamboo & Wood Manufactory
( Lingui Office of Guilin Textiles Import & Export Corp. )
==================
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Tel: +86-773-5592687
Fax: +86-773-5592687
E-mail: chunpai@public.glptt.gx.cn
Web site: www.chunpai.com/first-english.htm
Postalcode: 541100

Received by e-mail:

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MR.TAN LONG ( SATRAP )
GUILIN LINGUI SHENGPING XIAOXUE BAMBOO & WOOD MANUFACTORY
ADDRESS: No.229 RONGSHAN ROAD,LINGUI,GUILIN,GUANG,CHINA
TEL / FAX: +86-773-5592687
E-MAIL: chunpai@public.glptt.gx.cn
WEB SITE: http://www.chunpai.com/first-english.htm