We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

Received by e-mail:

Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make you a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER within 48 hours!!!!

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As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!!

WEDDINGS
MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!!
Don’t settle for being the BEST MAN OR BRIDES’ MAID
Most states require that you register your certificate (THAT WE SEND YOU) with the state prior to conducting the ceremony.

FUNERALS
A very hard time for you and your family
Don’t settle for a minister you don’t know!!
Most states require that you register your certificate (THAT WE SEND YOU) with the state prior to conducting the ceremony.

BAPTISMS You can say “WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!! I AM YOUR MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE!!”
What a special way to welcome a child of God.

FORGIVENESS OF SINS
The Catholic Church has practiced the forgiveness of sins for centuries **Forgiveness of Sins is granted to all who ask in sincerity and willingness to change for the better!!

VISIT CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES
Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need!!
Preach the Word of God to those who have strayed from the flock

WANT TO START YOUR OWN CHURCH??
After your LEGAL ORDINATION, you may start your own congregation!!

At this point you must be wondering how much the Certificate costs. Right? Well, let’s talk about how much the program is worth. Considering the value of becoming a CERTIFIED MINISTER I’d say the program is easily worth $100. Wouldn’t you agree? However, it won’t cost that much. Not even close! My goal is to make this life changing program affordable so average folks can benefit from the power of it.

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2. Proof of Minister Certification in YOUR NAME!!
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[Ordering information follows]

The contributor’s then-boyfriend jotted this in her sketch book. She tells us the “she” referred to is not her:

She was the way I always remembered. A kind of lily apon the water. To fool you into thinking she floated free. But her stem was deep rooted, and it would take alot to pull her free. I hate when people read my writing. It isn’t meant for thier interpretation. But people can’t help but tell you thier opinion. That’s why I log my journal internaly. Where dose it all go?

The Daily Herald in Provo, Utah, solicited photos of ordinary local people who did extraordinary things: the extra-nice woman at the checkout stand, the traffic cop who always smiles at motorists, etc. The following letter was received in praise of a particular paperboy. Mistakes, of course, are all as Mr. Larson wrote them:

I do not have a photo of the GREATEST PAPER FELLOW, we have ever had in 35 yrs with the Heaarl.

He is a chap who is going to BYU from Tiawan, and delivers 3000 papers, at above 5 AM, and a fellow who deserves a big thanks.

His name is Choi God Gong. A real fine fellow.

Normally, I do not go to this length to recognize service, as I am not a champion of the Herald, but I must stupe to my normal fealings and recogize the fact, when a fine delicated fellow serves your “rag”.

E. Dixon Larson P.E.

The contributor was the founder of this site and its original maintainer; he received this email during that time period:

Dear Snider, how are you? i am fine! My name is Stephanie! I live in Chino Valley, AZ.! You have a cool web site! Are you excited about Christmas? Well i have to go bye!
Stephanie

(From the contributor: “I found this note that 2 Jr. High girls wrote to each other in the hallway when I was picking up my little brother from school. Everything is exactly the same as in the note, down to the letter.” Punctuation and capitalization are also retained.)

Andrea-
if you tell me why you won’t tell me what was in that note, then i’ll stop bugging you about it. are you gonna come to the Movie tomorrow? i don’t know if i can. i might still be Grounded. ok, it’s not my fault if someone by me gets shot right? i mean, i can’t control my own actions when i get this way. i could release My rage on anyone. expically if that person sits next to me in one of my worst classes. do you wanna help me kilL him? i know some other people that do. OK, if i don’t kill him, i’ll just be a really really REALLY big brat to him. if i ever talk to him without being mean, give me a dirty look K?

ok i will. sean T. said that you and shawn R. were married and you and him go to this Marriage counseling place where seanT. works a lot. he said That to lindsay. but don’t worry he calles me Mrs. Bean. but i guess its Not That bad. i don’t think i caN go to the movie. i have no money and i won’t till next Week. And my moms gonna be gone so i might have To babysit ,but i’m Not Sure yet.

yeah, linz told me That. you ArE mrs. bean! hahah. he is right! (smiley face) haha j/K. i Swear sean t likes you. oh well. yur already taken. well, if you can’t do anything and i can’t do anythign and everyone else goes to the movie, me and you can go Crusin down main street saturday Night. we can Go pick up Hot Guys. then we can go to my house and Watch SNL. have u seen that show lately? ha ha ha it craks me (up arrow). HEY!!!!!! i just got THE greatest Idea! ha Ha ha! we can get linz and her fam mafia to shoot shawnR. did she tell u that story? i’LL tell u aftr cls. Duh, i hate her. she dosnt explain nything and her eye buggs.

Found in a high school English textbook, apparently written by its previous owner and her friend. Contributor now has the book:

(little picture of a tree) my brilliant portrayal of a tree!! Thank U, no applause needed! Thank U!!

Hi Rochelle! Whatz up!? I’m really bord, it’s english & we have a supply! Drama “seems” to be getting better! Remind me to talk with Toska! Our History project is totally goin’ down hill! We’ve been late with almost every step we’d have to hand in! And I keep meaing to speak with Mme Couchene today @ soft-ball practice I was like missin’ 1/3 balls comin’ to ‘moi’ and I only got one @ bat and I blew it. Did a pop-u to 3rd and then thats it! Did you present your cliche story yet? I didn’t, and we just had a test on pronouns & Antecedens(which, I failed!) I’ve got to bring my mark back up in Eng.w and Eng. So much to do, so little time.

Anyways I told my mom I was goin’ shoppin’with you after school. When you called last nite you woke my mom up. She goes to bed early, and she thought I was asleep too because of early-morning practice (we have cuts on Thrusday, they say they’ll cut juniors first ’cause they have longer to try-out, and if you play another sport they might cut you also ’cause of conflicting practice times. I just want to make the team (we get T-shirts!!) Oh yeah I’m just remembering the reason I started this note! My Semi-Final Guest List! (Drumroll!)
1) Kathleen (deffinatly)
2) Krista (yup! 7 outta 10 on the diffanly scale!)
3) Eden (she’s been haven’t fights with her parents, but it looks good)
4) Jodi (if Eden comes)(her grandpa died!)
5) Dave ->not really sure but he said ‘yeah’ (Eden’s boyfriend)
6) Adrian (same!!)
7) Mel -probably no, she had surgery on her foot.
Toska-(I’m not sure?!)
9) (you) - you BETTER!
10) Sacha (Eden said she invited him)?
11) mabey Susan(Kathleen’s met her before, so they can talk!)
12) Georga- I asked her a while ago. she said yes, I just have to confirm!
14) Sara- at her dads but gettin’ me present! yeah!!

Hullo Shan! How are you?

Ya, this is a really old note on the back but I don’t have any paper! I told Mr.McKinnon that you weren’t gonna be present b/c of your “German Trip”(what is that anywayz?!) and he got all pissy! He said you should’ve told him beforehand and he sez u have a tonne of work to hand in! You can copy my stuff if u want because I don’t know ho you’ll be able to finish it all yourself!

Ohhhh SH** I have a big history test 2morrow and I have no time to study 2nite!!!!!Mr.Harris needs to go soak his head!!

Have u had your test on WW2 yet w/Madame Crochen? Can u tell me how it waz?

My mom is soo DENSE. Now she tells me I’ll lose my TV, Nintendo, comp etc. for the rest of the week! Does she have a stick up her a** or WHAT?!

Hand-written exchange of notes found outside a Brigham Young University dorm room. Paragraph breaks indicate a change in speakers:

I decided I’m going to have to go for bleach boy, even though I’d rather be swimming in the ocean… TOO BAD THE OCEAN LIVES IN LA & I’M IN UTAH, SO THERE’S NO OCEAN OR ANY SEA CREATURES ANYWHERE NEAR ME!!!!! grrrrr….. [heart] Nicole aka loser ugly girl

Guess what! I think you are 10 goldfish prettier than that squid. OK! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are the pretty fish, not her. Say this 10 times to yourself = “I am the pretty fish-She is the squid!” It will be very effective, I promise. [heart] Cheryl

Well, I sure feel like the dogfish in this situation. I hope I drown. Maybe I’ll call bleach boy when I get home for some [heart]in.

Bleach boy is better anyway.

What? Are you lying, cuz that’s not what you said the other day…

But now, I am agreeing with you because Nicole, I am a good friend, remember.

Oh, right. Well, could you just tell me your honest opinion, Oh Great Friend of Mine?

Ok, my honest opinion - He’s not the most attractive thing you’ve ever caught on your line, & I think that he moves too fast. But if your into that, then go for it, but don’t do it just because you think other fish are biting each other because you have no idea what person the human eating fish actually wants to bite. Don’t move to fast.

I know… I should consider what Im doing before I do it, I guess. Wait, is it too late for that?? I can’t tell if I’m starting to like BBoy for him, or because he’s my only option right now. But, as far as fish boy is concerned, he’s looking pretty friendly w/her. Are they holding hands. Screw. I’m going to cry. I’m so confused! I don’t know what I want, who I want… wait. Yes I do. I want fishy boy. But I’m not feeling the love. *Sigh* I hate this…

Guess what Nicole - we can find out how he feels later. But don’t screw it up until we do. Because you never know what will happen. Have patence.

Original found in an online diary at OpenDiary.com:

homecoming football game
10/15/2000

well friday night was my school’s homecoming football game. me and my friend lauren decided to go together and it turned out that jp and shannon needed a ride to the game. well the car ride was interesting. my mom and i easily found jp’s house and we made fun of shannon the whole time in the car and then jp said “i get laurne, no shannon, she might try to kiss me” well we got lost in heartland (a subdivision) looking for lauren’s house but we finaly found it…and then we got shannon.. we stuck her in the front seat lol.

we got to the game and of course, shannon left the second we got there to go find logan (rolls eyes, she’s so pathetic) she then whined and whinted aobut how he was w/ roxanne (this girl)

but overall it was fun….

then at the end of the night, jp was like “i wanna have sum people over” so i called my mom and just gave her sum tentative plans well shannon called hers and LIED her a** off and her mom caled mine and i couldn’t go cuz the skank lied so bad…pisses me off.

sometimes i wanna cut offo ur friendship, she is so selfish and ungiving it is real annoying.

gtg, lyl,

elise

ps..ugh the spell checker hates me

Submitted to The Daily Herald as part of a high-school class assignment. Not published in the paper. Note the sudden burst of coherency in the last sentence:

Dear, Editor

I fell that you guys shouldn’t tell actor’s lives on the newspaper because that is very mean and it is not right is I was an actor and you wrote something about me like you did about Eminem and his wife I would sew you because you have no business getting into there lives just because there actor’s. And it might destroy there cd sales and might even affect there marriage. So I think you guys should mind your own business and focus on writing things that could help the state.

The contributor says she found this letter under a pile of fallen leaves outside her apartment:

Brigette,

I thought I would wright you since I’ve seen this movie at least a hundred times. I’m really tired now. This morning I was still peppy but I’m not anymore - my peppiness is gone!! Don’t worry about the prom thing-if its meant to be it will be. And I know you don’t want to hear that because if your anything like me you hate hearing that. I hate leaving things up to chance. I’d rather think that I control my own destony. But I’m sure its a combination of both. What do you think? Do you think there is a pre-destoned plan for us? I have no clue. Too much thought for a movie day!! I’m so sick of couples-every time I look at one I get sick! Isnt that terrible. I know jelousy is bad but I just cant help it. I’m tired of waiting “You can’t hurry love - ho you just have to wait - she said love don’t come easy, its a game of give or take.” Don’t you just love how I break into song every time I write you!:)It makes me feel better. Anyway enough sulking for one day. P.E. elective was fun although my team lost pretty badly. Any time that you have Torrey and Brandon on the same team-which isn’t your team you know you are going to loose. I loose with Torrey anyway I cut it anyway. I had too much fun at prom. I decided. I wish that I would have had a terrible time that way it wouln’t be so hard. I thought I was over the whole thing. But having a good date seems to reserface feelings. But back to your situation - mine is growing tiresome. You like him - he like you - bust a move!! There is absolutlely nothing to loose because you know he likes you. You have the perfect situation - don’t waste it!! thats my opinion anyway!! if there is any chance in he double hockey sticks that two people can get together - they should do it. OK I have deffinately done enough preaching for one note!!:) But seriously do what you heart tells you too. And if people keep giving you a hard time - oh well. Who cares about them!!:) See you tonight about the dress!! Love ya!!

Megan