We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

When the contributor was student teaching, she ended up having lunch with a first-grader who was kept in the classroom during lunch for disciplinary reasons. The two had the following conversation:

Student: Did you make your own lunch?

Teacher: Yes.

Student: Is your mommy dead?

An old, senile woman at the contributor’s church was at the pulpit preaching about a variety of things, including the following:

There are also a lot of foods I can’t eat anymore. Chocolate, for example: White chocolate, the dark chocolate, and the milk chocolate, which is the kind babies love so much. And I know that, in the next life, the men will be the ones who have the babies. [At this point, she concluded and sat down, then turned to the lady next to her and added:] And I bet you’re wondering how the men will have the babies. [Dramatic pause.] Through the rectum.

After the contributor’s boyfriend broke up with her, this is the explanation he gave to her friend:

I have better things to do — like be a ninja.

Some random quotes the contributor overheard and collected, with descriptions from the contributor:

A college-age girl, upon seeing a big, creepy bug:

That’s the most funkadelic thing I’ve ever seen!

My friend, to my other friend, who she was convinced didn’t like her:

You’re just trying to gain my thinking-you-like-me-ness.

Adam, when I told him he had used a word out of context:

Out of context my turtle. I was so in context.

Several minutes after friend #1 explained what hush puppies are, friend #2 said:

Wait… so they’re not woof woof dogs?

In the contributor’s eighth-grade history class, the teacher explained that each country owns the land within 14 miles of its shore, with the rest classified as international waters. A girl in the class raised her hand and asked:

But if Hawaii is only 14 miles off the coast, then how come it takes so long to get there?

From the contributor: “I was in a two-person literature class at my school and the other student was a very sweet (but dim) kid who was always saying these things that made no sense, in or out of context, to impress the professor and me. Here are three doozies:”

I feel like that really exemplificates the distinction between the two authors.

I guess I’m biased but I’m always looking for Biblical references to water.

The river is flooded. I see this as a metaphor for the Catholic Church.

During a dinner with her extended family, the contributor ended her conversation with her sister just in time to hear the tail end of her mother’s conversation, which ended with the following:

Yes, I have always been fascinated by different types of adhesives.

Overheard in grocery store:

Me and my brother are no more alike than if we were two different people.

The contributor and her boyfriend were sitting on a bench along a tree-lined path at a zoo. They were people-watching, and they witnessed one group and overheard their conversation as follows:

Lady 1: I’m super duper ready to kick someone’s ass!
Lady 2: I hate these f***ing trees.

A British guy explaining why he was able to do a handstand yesterday, but he can’t do one today:

But I was a sober me then … I’m a pissed me at the now.