We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

The contributor had the following conversation with her 14-year-old sister while playing Trivial Pursuit:

Contrib: [Reading question] What is the name of the Female Master of Disguise in “Forces of Freedom”?
Sis: Carmen San Diego?
Contrib: No, it’s Cat.
Sis: Is San Diego in Chicago?
Contrib: No, it’s in California.
Sis: Is Chicago a state?
Contrib: No, it’s a city.
Sis: Is it in Moulin Rouge?
Contrib: No, that’s in France.
Sis: Oh, I mean Louisiana.
Contrib: No, that’s Baton Rouge.

Said by a skanky contestant after being booted off of season seven of “The Bachelor”:

There is such a racist against beautiful people in this country.

From the contributor: “I work at an adventure and education camp in England. Between the guests and instructors there is plenty of fodder for your site!”

Her roommate:

Please stop jumping, my stomach is full of penguins!

A guest, while unpacking:

Excuse me, I have a problem. Our room only has a bath, but I brought shower gel with me.

A guest, on seeing the contributor’s knee brace:

Did you sprain your ankle?

A mountain biking instructor:

You need to pedal with your balls!

Her roommate, on her long distance relationship:

He’s looking at me through rose-tinted glasses, but I’m looking at him with f***-off lenses.

Sitting on a Sydney, Australia, bus, the contributor overheard one 15-year-old boy saying to his buddy:

Yeah, and I woke up the next morning with my arm around the vacuum cleaner.

A few things overheard by the contributor:

Outside school:

Oh my god, you like totally couldn’t be more gayer!

Downtown:

How do they build the buildings so close together?

In school:

With all the bombs we drop on the Middle East, why hasn’t it sinked

At a middle school basketball game, the contributor overheard this conversation between two young blonde girls:

Girl 1: Hey, the White House is in Washington, right?
Girl 2: Yeah.
Girl 1: Washington D.C., right?
Girl 2: That’s the only Washington there is.
Girl 1: No it’s not!
Girl 2: Yes it is.
Girl 1: No, there’s a Washington state right above … um … Oregon, I think.
Girl 2: No there’s not!
Girl 1: Yes, I am telling you there is.
Girl 2: No, Montana is above Oregon.
Girl 1: No, let me go get my Humanities atlas and see.
[Seven minutes elapse…]
Girl 1: See, right there: Washington state!
Girl 2: No way, let me see!
Girl 1: Right there! HA! Wow, I didn’t know there was a West Virginia!
Girl 2: Of course, you stupid retard!
Girl 1: Well you didn’t know there was a Washington! So there!
Girl 2: Fine we’re even. [Flips pages in atlas.]
Girl 1: Whoa … what’s Bangladesh?
Girl 2: Just shut up!

Overheard in a restaurant:

When I was younger I always wanted to be Doris Day; then I realized someone was already her.

The following is the fourteenth installment in an ongoing list kept by the contributor and his roommates and friends:

196. There Was A Big Pig Leak
197. I’m Looking At You Through A Hole In A Ruler
198. Just Take My Word For It, Juanita!
199. Was That A Fart Or A Stomach Growl?
200. I Got Rear-Ended In Chinatown
201. There’s Nothin’ Less Funny Than Bad Mountain Humor
202. There’s A Crouton Under My Chicken
203. If A Giraffe Can’t Do It, Nobody Can
204. I’m Looking At A Port-A-Potty (Does That Bring Back Memories?)
205. If You’re Big Before You’re Old, It’s Good To Have Something To Crap In
206. I Wish I Had Met You When I Wasn’t On Medication
207. If I Could Get An Orange That Was As Low-Maintenance As An Apple, I’d Be A Happy Man
208. Our Minds Are Kinda Like Google
209. It’s Been A While (Since I Peed In The Sink)
210. Can I Pick Korea Even Though They Aren’t On The List?

Sitting in a Geneseo, New York, Denny’s at 2 a.m. one Friday night, the contributor and her friend overheard one side of a phone conversation. The side they could hear was spoken by a big, muscular guy wearing a fraternity shirt. His side of the conversation was as follows:

Man, you totally missed it. That girl who was all over Mike was there tonight and she wouldn’t catch a clue. Yeah. He kept telling her to get away from him and she wouldn’t. So we dumped beer on her.
[pause, listening to response]
Dude, what do avacados have to do with anything?

From the contributor: Here are a few random/funny things I’ve overheard.

My friend, completely out of nowhere:

My cousin tried to drown me once. Now she’s pregnant. That’s called Karma.

A classmate, before a chemistry test:

Are we going to be counted off for wrong answers?

My grandpa, while watching a news report about computer viruses:

That internet sounds like trouble to me.