Sun 19 Mar 2006
The contributor was sitting in a local diner, one booth away from three large men in hunting gear. She overheard the following conversation between the hunters:
Hunter 1: Know what’s taking Europe by storm nowadays?
Hunter 2: What?
Hunter 1: Post-modernism.
Fri 17 Mar 2006
The contributor’s son made a Father’s Day card for his dad, extolling the virtues of a father who enjoys tossing him into the air in the swimming pool. It read:
My dad is The best dad because he throws me up.
Thu 16 Mar 2006
The contributor’s friends, after enjoying a few illegal pharmaceuticals, had the following two conversations:
Robert: Imagine if God had, like, a God exterior and a candy interior. What flavor do you reckon he’d be?
Thom: I reckon nougat.
Thom: So much has been taking on wolf-like characteristics.
Hillary: Really?
Thom: That’s the only way I can describe it.
Hillary: To me everything’s just soft.
Thom: And wolf-like.
Mon 13 Mar 2006
The contributor’s roommate was a T.A. for a college history class. The following is a list of amusing statements found in students’ research papers:
From a paper on the abolition of slavery:
What would free black people do with freedom?
From an art history paper:
We know he is a barbarian because he is wearing pants.
And finally, from a paper on Hitler:
He had only one testicle. I guess that would be bad, but I’m not sure I’d
kill 12 million people over it.
Sat 11 Mar 2006
The contributor was in a Sunday school class with the topic of how to treat your children, and the father of some rather odd children said this:
You know, if my kid wants a can of Vienna sausages, I’ll get it for him. I mean, its only like 50 cents.
Wed 8 Mar 2006
The contributor’s 9-year-old niece informed him that she had saved some money, and she insisted that he drive her into town so that she could buy him lunch. When they sat down at the restaurant, the young girl turned to Uncle Leo and said:
I’m just having a Coke. What are you just having?
Needless to say, he bought lunch.
Tue 7 Mar 2006
The contributor’s 6-year-old son said the following to a doctor after being informed that his 3-year-old brother was “two feet, ten inches and three quarters”:
I am 3 feet, 10 dollars, and 6 dimes.
Mon 6 Mar 2006
After a hurricane blew the hat off of a man standing next to the contributor, the man yelled:
Ray, wind blow my cap off! Wind go “phff phff”!
Sun 5 Mar 2006
Overheard outside a Tibetan resturaunt in Northampton, Massachusetts:
Eric didn’t have any ice cream…that means he has room for Yak Balls!
Sat 25 Feb 2006
A girl who worked with the contributor came up with the following three doozies:
Well, she’s only older than me because she was born before I was.
It’s my parents’ anniversary this year.
Referring to the impending bruising after being accidentally punched:
I’m going to be black and white tomorrow.