We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

An old, senile woman at the contributor’s church was at the pulpit preaching about a variety of things, including the following:

There are also a lot of foods I can’t eat anymore. Chocolate, for example: White chocolate, the dark chocolate, and the milk chocolate, which is the kind babies love so much. And I know that, in the next life, the men will be the ones who have the babies. [At this point, she concluded and sat down, then turned to the lady next to her and added:] And I bet you’re wondering how the men will have the babies. [Dramatic pause.] Through the rectum.

The directions on a package of Wish Pearls include this as step 2:

Make a wish and open the mollusk.

Good advice in any situation, really.

The contributor sent an email to a company complaining about a popup when using their software. After a couple emails back and forth, he received this resolution:

From: [EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED]
To: Randy Tayler
Subject: RE: After meeting pop-up window [T20060619010H]

Hi Randy,

Thank you for using GoToMeeting.

I have disabled the exit Pop Up, I apologize for the incontinence this has caused!

Thank you.

Warm Regards,

[NAME REMOVED]
Customer Care Agent
Citrix Online Division
Citrix Systems, Inc.

WARNING: This post contains some non-graphic and non-explicit references to sex. You have been warned.

One of the great things about running a site like this is reading the comments from readers. A fellow by the name of David MacDonald posted a couple comments that I did not approve, partly because of their content, but mostly because I wanted to highlight them as separate entries. Here is a portion of one of the comments, with my favorite parts in bold:

if you are looking for a nice guy to have passionate sex with in bed iam free to help you out.email me to [ADDRESS REMOVED] and let me no if you are interested in having sex with me in the nude in the shower and also in bed.yours sincerly david.

The next comment got more explicit and lost some of David’s “nice guy” image, but rest assured that it also specified “in bed.” It’s nice to see a guy who knows exactly what he wants.

After the contributor’s boyfriend broke up with her, this is the explanation he gave to her friend:

I have better things to do — like be a ninja.

Some random quotes the contributor overheard and collected, with descriptions from the contributor:

A college-age girl, upon seeing a big, creepy bug:

That’s the most funkadelic thing I’ve ever seen!

My friend, to my other friend, who she was convinced didn’t like her:

You’re just trying to gain my thinking-you-like-me-ness.

Adam, when I told him he had used a word out of context:

Out of context my turtle. I was so in context.

Several minutes after friend #1 explained what hush puppies are, friend #2 said:

Wait… so they’re not woof woof dogs?

A message from Italian actress Vanessa Gravina to her fans, found on her old website that is no longer in service:

Something about me…

Hallo boys and girls sailing on my site!

This one you see is the “theoric” side of me, a bonsai-portrait which will reveal you what you would NEVER know about me… so, cheer up! God bless you!

I consider myself a good girl, anyway! I belong to the team of feeeling’s lovers, and I really love true things and poethical ones.

I like dreaming about everything, sailing on my mind’s scripts, going over again my past for savouring my present better.
I let my mind wander easily, but sometimes I come back…!
Speaking for myself, life is music, George Winston’s piano, Pino Daniele’s notes, Maxwell’s urban hang suite and many others friends, who never abandon me on my journey; life is books, from Kundera to Tabucchi, Stefano Benni and Shnitzler… This last one has helped me so much!

I really love sea, swimming in its water savouring its scent, immersing myself in its blue; I love sun, sand which caresses my skin, love in its best definition, the scent of the roses, my kitten’s snout, the loyal eyes of my dog…
I’m a sleepy-head, and a dreamer.

I adore good cinema, its stories, its heros who give us hopes, its passions which light desires… Paul Auster, and his defeatist irony…
I believe in friends,in mind’s freedom, in berries, in massages and in chocolate!
I believe in God, not so much in me, in men not at all!

And finally, I believe in life.

I love you!

Sincerely
VANESSA

In the contributor’s eighth-grade history class, the teacher explained that each country owns the land within 14 miles of its shore, with the rest classified as international waters. A girl in the class raised her hand and asked:

But if Hawaii is only 14 miles off the coast, then how come it takes so long to get there?

From the contributor: “I was in a two-person literature class at my school and the other student was a very sweet (but dim) kid who was always saying these things that made no sense, in or out of context, to impress the professor and me. Here are three doozies:”

I feel like that really exemplificates the distinction between the two authors.

I guess I’m biased but I’m always looking for Biblical references to water.

The river is flooded. I see this as a metaphor for the Catholic Church.

During a dinner with her extended family, the contributor ended her conversation with her sister just in time to hear the tail end of her mother’s conversation, which ended with the following:

Yes, I have always been fascinated by different types of adhesives.