We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

From the contributor: “This sign is just outside the courtyard of the Omayyad Mosque in Damascus, Syria. Non-Muslim women have to wear a hooded robe in order to enter the mosque, and the room in question is where they hand them out (as the sign points out so eloquently).”

A British guy explaining why he was able to do a handstand yesterday, but he can’t do one today:

But I was a sober me then … I’m a pissed me at the now.

A poem written by a high school boy for a girl he wanted to date:

Roses are red
Violets are Blue
Oh Sierra Please,
Let me do it to you.

The contributor spent a semester in Russia, during which time she noticed some very strange English phrases on t-shirts. Here are some of her favorites:

All Over of the Pizzaz Prince

Zero My Here

Even JGZ Go Free We Singing

Get Out of the Bear

The contributor had the following conversation with her 14-year-old sister while playing Trivial Pursuit:

Contrib: [Reading question] What is the name of the Female Master of Disguise in “Forces of Freedom”?
Sis: Carmen San Diego?
Contrib: No, it’s Cat.
Sis: Is San Diego in Chicago?
Contrib: No, it’s in California.
Sis: Is Chicago a state?
Contrib: No, it’s a city.
Sis: Is it in Moulin Rouge?
Contrib: No, that’s in France.
Sis: Oh, I mean Louisiana.
Contrib: No, that’s Baton Rouge.

An email received by the contributor’s company, a ship operator, from a port agency in Venezuela, unhappy to have lost their business (the contributor is “miss j.a.”):

to: mr. p.c./ miss j.a.-

dear mr p.c. and miss j.a., receive a cordial greeting on behalf of company, we have done whith concern that you/ they have not contacted us to the ends of quoting the foods and materials to the different ships freighted by you company, dedicated to embark imports of minerals in the different ports of the river orinoco puerto ordaz venezuela. we wanted to express him that we are willing to consider that probably the differen shipping agencies which are hired by you have not included us in the rate process, in such a sense we wanted them to send us their requeriments to our electonic mail directly in the attention of the mr. alberto lara operations manager, we understand that during the requirements made previously by you to our company we give this requirements whih the but high sense of responsibility. our products are and they have always been of the but high quality and economic prices, we wait to have satisfied their requirements in all the senses and in the time required by you. according to previous comments received on the part of the agencies you are well served, the same as their captains. whitout but to that to make reference says goodbye of you, sincerely.

[Name],
[Company Name]
OPERATIONS MANAGER.
EMAIL: xxxx@xxxx. com
email: xxxx@xxxx. com
phones: 0058- 4xxxxxxx - 0058-xxxxxx - 0058-xxxxx

Said by a skanky contestant after being booted off of season seven of “The Bachelor”:

There is such a racist against beautiful people in this country.

From the contributor: “I work at an adventure and education camp in England. Between the guests and instructors there is plenty of fodder for your site!”

Her roommate:

Please stop jumping, my stomach is full of penguins!

A guest, while unpacking:

Excuse me, I have a problem. Our room only has a bath, but I brought shower gel with me.

A guest, on seeing the contributor’s knee brace:

Did you sprain your ankle?

A mountain biking instructor:

You need to pedal with your balls!

Her roommate, on her long distance relationship:

He’s looking at me through rose-tinted glasses, but I’m looking at him with f***-off lenses.

Sitting on a Sydney, Australia, bus, the contributor overheard one 15-year-old boy saying to his buddy:

Yeah, and I woke up the next morning with my arm around the vacuum cleaner.